


my tears ricochet

by mirakeul



Series: take me to the lake where all the poets went to die [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Cussing, Death, Drinking, F/M, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, Smoking, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:09:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28610376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirakeul/pseuds/mirakeul
Summary: “and if i’m dead to you, why are you at the wake?”
Relationships: Ukai Keishin/Reader
Series: take me to the lake where all the poets went to die [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2096379
Kudos: 9





	my tears ricochet

**Author's Note:**

> please be mindful of the tags, this was very heavy for me to write. i'm sorry

_We gather here, we line up, weepin’ in a sunlit room  
And if I’m on fire, you'll be made of ashes, too  
Even on my worst day, di_ _d I deserve, babe  
_ _All the hell you gave me?  
‘Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you   
'Til my dying day_

Ukai Keishin knows why he doesn’t have a girlfriend because everything just blows up in his face, just like now. His eyes were swollen, his heart filled with guilt as he thinks back to why. He woke up that morning feeling something wrong when he got a text from your mother.

“We gather here to remember our beloved, Y/N L/N, who has now joined our Father in Heaven.” He can feel his throat tighten as he tried to remember what went wrong. He can still see your smiling face but it soon faded, and now he just sees you peacefully sleeping.

He refuses to accept you’re gone. Your mother was trembling beside him and all he could do is put an arm around her. The priest was spouting some words from the bible but Ukai cannot think straight because one minute you were there and then the next, you’re gone.

He should’ve done more to save you. He should’ve known better than to do that to you the night before you were gone. He’s guilty of hurting you when he knows you’ve always loved him. He loves you but it was too late to show you.  
  
 _I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace  
And you’re the hero flying around, saving face  
And if I’m dead to you, why are you at the wake?  
Cursing my name, wishing I stayed  
Look at how my tears ricochet_  
  
He was at your house after the wake, your mother void of tears once they arrived. She told him that if he wants, he can go to your room and see if there’s anything he’d like to take. He didn’t have the heart to tell him he was part of the reason her daughter’s gone so he simply nodded.

The walk to your room felt heavier than before. He took a deep breath, turning the knob, and going inside. Your room smelled and looked the same like it hasn’t been touched since that night. He walked over to your bed, sitting down, and trying to remember you.

He doesn’t know if he’s hallucinating right now but he can see you looking at him with the saddest eyes he has ever seen. 'You’ reached out to touch his face, smiling gently at him, and shaking your head. It’s as if you’re telling him it wasn’t his fault. 

A few tears escaped his eyes as he leaned into your hand. He sees your eyes dart from him to the bedside and he sees a letter addressed to him. He was nervous to open it, looking at you once more. You just smiled, urging him to open it.

_We gather stones, never knowing what they’ll mean  
Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring  
You know I didn’t want to have to haunt you  
But what a ghostly scene  
You wear the same jewels that I gave you  
As you bury me_

> _Hello Keishin,_
> 
> _I assume that by the time you’ve read this, I’m already gone. I know I shouldn’t have but it was too much. As I was writing this, you just left me. I just want to tell you that it isn’t your fault. I know, you’re doubting yourself right now. I can almost imagine your face, it’s not your fault._

He breathed through the tears, unwilling to continue. But he has to. He can see the tear marks from the paper and he just wished he stayed with you that night. 

> _You okay? I can almost imagine you crying, Kei. I love you so much, you know that right? I loved you 'til I lose my breath. I’m sorry it had to go this way. I just wanted all of this pain to go away, you know?_

“Yes, I know.” He whispered to the wind. He can see you smiling at him and crying because of him.

_I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace  
'Cause when I’d fight, you used to tell me I was brave  
And if I’m dead to you, why are you at the wake?  
Cursing my name, wishing I stayed  
Look at how my tears ricochet _

> _You told me that I was dead to you but I know you showed up. I can feel it in my heart that you would show up. I’m sorry you had to see me like that. I was weak, I know._

“You’re not, Y/N.”

> _You used to tell me I was brave and I couldn’t really believe you. I know you. You were shaking your head at that sentence, I know. I felt so strong and brave when I was with you and yes, you made me feel so strong, I didn’t even doubt you for that._

He chuckled lightly. He can see you pouting at him every time he gets sappy with you but he would do it all over again just for you. He just can’t. He swallowed thickly, continuing to read the letter.

> _I hope you take good care of yourself. I hope you take good care of mom. She doesn’t show me but I know she cries herself to sleep at night. Please, promise me that you’ll take care of her._

“I promise.” He looks at you, smiling for a bit as he saw you looking at him softly. 

_And I can go anywhere I want  
Anywhere I want, just not home  
And you can aim for my heart, go for blood  
But you would still miss me in your bones  
And I still talk to you (When I’m screaming at the sky)  
And when you can’t sleep at night (You hear my stolen lullabies)_

> _I would always be with you, Kei. You can just look up at the sky and say my name, I’ll be there to listen to you. Who knows? Maybe I’ll be your guardian angel!_

He smiled softly, tracing your words. “You already are.”

> _I think you just said something corny after I said that! If so, imagine me laughing because I will laugh! You’re so corny sometimes but I guess that’s a charm you have. I also have a favor I need to ask you. I want you to fall in love again._

He stilled, looking at you who just smiled. “What?”

> _I know, it’s hard. I also know you just said what but don’t question me. You shouldn’t be too hung up on me, okay? I’d be sad if you held on to me and not open yourself to the possibility of another person in your life. If you do find someone, I give you my blessing. I promise I wouldn’t be too mad!! Not unless they’re a dick/asshole, then yes, I’d be mad._

He laughed, shaking his head, continuing to read.

_I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace  
And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves  
You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same  
Cursing my name, wishing I stayed_

> _Seriously!! Do not go for bad influences! I know you, you have your bad habits of smoking and drinking! Don’t give me that look! I know._

He playfully glared at you but you just softly laughed at him. His eyes soften, he will miss that laugh of yours.

> _But really, I love you so much so I’m letting you go. I want you to be happy even if it’s not with me. You deserve to be happy, Kei. Thank you so much for the wonderful memories we had together. I will surely treasure them. I love you._
> 
> _Love,  
> _ _Y/N L/N_

He sighed, looking at your ghostly figure once more. You smiled, reaching your hand up to say goodbye as you slowly dissolve into nothing. He watched you go, thankful for the closure he had with you. 

“I love you too, Y/N.” He whispered to nothing as he clutched the letter in his hand. He knows you didn’t like him drinking but just this once, he’s going to drink his sorrows away. He truly loved you but he wants you to rest. He smiled to himself, getting up from your bed.

He looks inside once more, remembering his memories with you in your room. He closed the door, sighing, and going to your mother to tell her he would be leaving but that he was going to check up on her every time he could.

Your mother hugged him before leaving. Ukai Keishin knows he can’t do your favor and promise right now. Because right now, he wants to wallow in his grief and allow himself to fully understand that you weren’t coming back. He needs a drink.

_You turned into your worst fears  
And you’re tossing out blame, drunk on this pain  
Crossing out the good years  
And you’re cursing my name, wishing I stayed  
Look at how my tears ricochet_


End file.
